Thursday, March 23, 2006

--[ wad could be worst ]--

the next part of the reality series, my dad and me, episod 05: the confession

haven been seeing dad eye to eye lately... tried to talk to him yesterday but he said firmly that he dosen't wanna talk to me...

was freaking fuck up... i tried, it dosen't work...

i came to realise the other day thet the only personthat could make me come crashing down to tears was my dad... my dad is the only one that could make me feel so horrid, so pathetic yet he is the one that sometimes raise my spirit high...

at skool, i was numb, emotionless until the end of skool... i couden't do my test cause the words that my dad said to me keep on repeating deep inside... i was pathetic, my soul was deprive... i was gasonading for the apology... cause i think i didnt really do nething wrong...

been having weird dreams, sleep half the time in school... i rather be alone...

1st dream: i move out from the house to live with my grandma... dad never called neither did i... and we never apologise on the 2st of syawal... and it goes on after that... a never ending story

2nd dream: i tried to salam muh dad before going to skool, and he took his hand away... and as i was walking off, i turn and said, why... and yeah me make up, but things were never the same...

those were the only dreams that i remember...

talk to mom and sis about dad... mom and sis said that all dad wanted me to do is to apologise... usualy i can say that... sorry is quite an easy word for me... not not today... this fights between up was different in every single aspects.

dad was just following his ego, and i, mending my pride...

then again... i put my place in dads shoe... thinking about my only son... the one that would carry on upon the generation... wad could hurt most that being hurt by his one and only son... wad could tears a dad hearts wide open? maybe wad dad says was right... but not entirely...

i just need my space, and if dad thinks that the more i'm ageing the more he can leave me on my own, he is so wrong... i need more attention then ever...

dad might be so ttly shock that day of our fight, it is almost to a week since we last talk, i feel empty and deprive... seeing a stranger living in the same house everday but not talking to him... it seem that i dunt have a dad at times...

the atmosphere in muh house aint really that great, it seems that everyone who is under the roof is affected...

but dd have to give in, cause i realy need muh space... i want things they way they are in my room as i spent 3/4 of my time at home in my room. the only place where i can just let my hair down...

maybe the sorry wont come today or maybe tomorrow... but picking up the courage to speak to him again is so hard... and living with the cash that i have in my hand is even harder... we havent really make eye contact, he never come by my room late at night to cheak on my, he never do that anymore... 3 more days and it's a saturday...

i can feel deeply that another outbreak might come up... suicide is not an option, running is way is not an option... i just not that kinda person...

and to the fucking irritating bitch, mind ya own freaking buisness... u sadistic biatch...

so wad could be worst? i have no idea... it seems that i hurt dad like dad hurt me, if only we could voice out without violence... maybe one day...

dad and me are nth alike... and thinking that i'm adpoted sometimes makes me much better cause i have a reason to be treated this way...


| caught in rapture @ 12:23 AM|

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Monday, March 20, 2006

--[ they might be pretenders ]--

fuck life, life is harsh cruel and morose: morbidity rules the world.

life is never about sunshine and rainbows... there is no such thing about life being sunshine and rainbow, life is hard... innocent life being taken away... a victim taken, i might be the next...

life is short so live it, smell it, fuck it!...

pretenders are amongst us... u might thing that the person next to you during chem lab or maybe your PE partner is your freind, but they are just pretending... ppl fuck me alot, and i dunt really, it's life dude... so get over it...

knowing that your friend beside u is just pretending in front of you is such a fucking thing... some ppl are just pretender, they will be your friend and stab you in the back...

so wad ya do when ya friend just pretending?... look on the positing side, if he's eveil, i could be worse... look it in such a way that it's a win win situation, both gain the cause...

some ppl ar ebetter off on their own... coz they are sick in the head... study3, get a life... and listen to all ya'll crap and just use it again you... so wad teh fuck...

wait... i forgot wad i was balbbering about... hahah nvm hahah...

anyways ppl cheers...
take care of ya self..
and you'll only know ya true freind only in times of needs...


| caught in rapture @ 7:24 PM|

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Saturday, March 18, 2006

-[ a night at mac ]-

this post was suppose to be for yesterday. anyways, went to mac with shasha and dolly at around 12 yesterday. was fun, we laugh and talk. well hahaha...

blah blah blah... as we were chatting along... some mat rip like call me go outside... claiming that i was looking so called staring at his friends...

beingthe dumb ass i am, haha well hahah i was like smiling away talking to him... waddaya expect, it was funny. i was wearing some very preppy clpthing with my specs, like somekind of weird geeky nerd, but hey still got ppl like that wannalike so called 'hang' me...

that mat was like yeah i stil remember his beautiful feature, his teeth are out... ttly mess up... and his head and hands just can't stop moving when he was toking to me... wanna step big... pui!

well yeah sat down later, a lil fuck up but i dunt wanna destry the fun atmosphere, i tried calle my sis and her fiance but they didn't pick up, den i tried to call my sister friends, but hmm...i lost his number... and yeah i wasen't ttly happy coz yeah i didnt do anything wrong, like what the fuck...

trying to find problem with innocent little devils... den hmmdolly was like, nak call ashrab tak.. and i was like anything, den later ashrab come down..

ashrab other friend was there too, and talk to them like 1 on 1, ashrab was like standing one conner and lighting his cigar, den haha when ashrab approach the mat rip gigi, the gigi friend like got up as in like backing lah katerkan...

den we went hoime, the mat rip al nevr like pandang at us...

den like when i was cut off from them later, i called muh sis and yeah my sis finacee was fuck up, to my suprise they were like walking behind me singing this awful song, the voice really stink, hahha

and yeah my sis was like arushing towards me area and like my sis fiancee was like running towards them, but i stop him telling him that ashrab took care of it... but he still but hmm sis cool him down...

den we talk for a while... sis say that and i quote "sebelom diorang nak jentik adek2 ni sumer ar, ngok adek siape yg diorang jentik, salah silap aku tampar bisu 10 tahun" and yeah haha was kewl lah... den we talk sommore and blah blah blah... den i went home as if nothing happen....




| caught in rapture @ 10:40 PM|

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Thursday, March 16, 2006

--[it's for the head of the house]--

this is for the person who make me cry when i am sad
the one that screams on a shreaded heart
the one that see only on the outside but not the in
and this is for him
my dad...

me and muh dad... muh dad and muah!
a shipwreck, quicksand, relationship base on superficiality
disagreements.

me and muh dad, we also fight over the smaller little2 things. me and my dad.
me and my dad, we were off on a rockey start this year and yesh, things got better but it did not last.

my dad and me. dad has this things for ruining my happy moments at the end of the day. he didnt not even make an effort to even strat a small chat. never, never, never and things will never change. not now, not later...

my dad has this habbit of screaming on the phone. and never says bye. my dad, he can't relley put the fault on me if i treat him the same, coz he is teh one that asked for it. my dad, we don't have a strong bond to begin with, it's like i'm someone elses adopted son.

my dad, he never taught me how to swin, how to play soccer, sports, my dad, he is superficial towards me. never really bother if, i'm in the mist of confusion, troubled, disturb, distress...

my dad, he use to tease me when i was little, on how weak i am, on how soft i am, on how lsick i am at playing soccer, at how stupid i am, at how wad ever means things...

my dad, he never give me my space, he don't really trust me, he want me to be like him, a boring person...
my dad he promise that i'll have a chance to decide my education path after my O's... but in teh end he decide.
the only reason that i ever wanna took my O is so that i'll be free to choose...
but being the dad he, having my dad, he decide... i had to fight for my rights!

yesh, i can finally choose but i know he wont be behind me all the way. he wants me, his "son" to be a boring buisness men and settle down fast.

my dad, made his dream into mine.

i have a dream. i wanna be a designer, a photograper, a person... which is insane for teh good reason, well known for his talent well known for being him and having his originality.
my dad he never see my way.

my dad trying to make me forget all my dreams, my life my soul...

dad maybe i wll be a buisness men maybe i'll be wad u want me to be, coz i'm sick of you for deciding everything for me...

my dad, he never really understand fashion and always brings me down when i have the best clothes on... my dad, he hurts me emotional and mentaly...

my dad, is lucky to have a son like me, i dunt smoke, have no piercing no tattoo, not in any culture, dosent cause him shame. instead i pray, i study, i smile, he nevr sees dad... he blames me of smoking, he blames me of mixing with teh wrong company even tho se knows all my freinds..

my dad, he's trying toi deprive my soul, take away my frind take away my life... it just seems that hedunt wanna me to be happy...

my dad, he never undertands wad i'm going through, instead of healing the wound, he make it worse!

my dad never want me to be happy.
all he want me to do is to just stay at home!
a few years back when i got no friends, dad keep on asking to to go out make freind have fun...
but when i do have friend he justaint happy.

my dad. my dad. my dad needs help. he needs to go to some session of teenagers.

luckily i have friends around me that help me trhough the day. makes my pain all go away. makes me smile, laugh, shead tears of joy. and for that i thank muh freinds...

dad... ... ... i wish i was adopted. so at least i know a reason for your actions. dad... if i nevr speak to you, i know u wont even notice... if i was to ever die i know i woulden be missed...if i was to run away you prolly wont even bother coz, i know all ur burden will be gone...
dad some times i wish u read my blog... so u know how i feel...

that, i need a therapist... i need to be counceled... coz i'm not myself... i;m you... i'm sick of pretending to say good bye... to leangthen my convo on teh phone in front of my friend when u actually hang up on teh first place..
i'm sick of pretending that my dad and me is really close.
cause dad i'm not a pretender... i'm not making a movie... i'm living in a world that ppl have feeling... dad i'll stop desigining, i'll stop making t shirts. i'll stop wathcing runways video, i'll stop buying fashion mags, i'll stop sewing, i'll stop wearing fashionable clothes, i'll be simple, i'll be a pretender... i'll be, i'll be you... just like wad u wanted me to...


| caught in rapture @ 12:36 AM|

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Friday, March 03, 2006

--[ appreciation: thank you ]--

i would just like to say thank you to all these ppl for having a piece of my heart and a moment in my memory...

azhmeera shasha: gurl, thank for being there for me throughout all these years, tolarating all my crap, sharing my joy and my happiness. i knoe that i'm not the best friend that i could have been, but i hope whatever i did will be appreciated. and thank you for believeing in me, pushing me and lift me up whenever i'm on the ground.

nadira: you're the one that i share most of my life with mentally, even tho i hate you so much, i love you even more for being my friend, for accepting me back when i had no one, for being kind to me even tho i treat u lke shit. you are the one that tell me straight to the face about my farking bad attitude, even tho i curse you for that, i should thank you even more as wadever u said is true. u make me notice all my flaw. and i hope you are forever happy with mr sweetheart. :D

Lizzie: i have no idea how i am gonna repayall your deeds. but i willone day. tahnk for being there for me listening to all my problems. for calling me at times when i need to escape a situation. thank for everything lizzie. i'm bless to have a friend like you.

Marina: i have always think that u are cute and elegant. a smile of an angel. all i wanna say is thank you for making my recess time a much better one. and thanks for being my friend...

Azyy: it's a double Y... even tho i only knew you for like about a year, i feel that you are the kind of friend that everybody needs. the one that just smack you back to reality with all those mean but truthful words. as for that, i wanna say thank you as you are the one that i could just let it all out no matter wad time it is... and gud luck with u know who, but i donno who??!! hahah

Sahirrah A.k.a Nafa tour guide: well i barely know you but i think u deserve a spot here... u listen to all my dreams with i tot was impossible, but u make me believe that i could do it. u make me think that my impossible dreams are possible. at the same time u remind me that ihave a major exam to sit for. u are funny and sweet. and yesh i think we were faited to meet each other.

Huda: i ttly CENCORED!!! soyeah i said it... you make me believe in myself. make me think for myself. you give me all the TLC that a guy could ever asked for. my time is never wasted when i'm with you... even tho i've hurt you before i promise that won't happen agian. and hun... thank for everthing...

Mizah: gal, u are a true friend, we might not be seeing each other or talk verbally but yesh u are always here with me. you help me out when i was having my breakdowns you make me belive that i could do the impossible. and gud luck with mr sweetheart.

MiraCina & Fateen: u guys are always smiling, there will never be a dull moment with u guys! ttly love u guys....!!! u guys arej just the best... miss u guys loads! and thank for everything. and fateen... TAMPINES! hehe

Mai: mai, your sweet. and tahnk for comming back into my life. making me smile and keep on making me laugh... and hope yo are doing fine on your own.

Wawan A.k.a DiR Nauz: you are the only guy friend that actually listen to al my crap. and hmm i just wanna say sorry for all those cruel jokes and hmm yeah... man, u are the one that i could talk about anything too... and tahnk for being there...

Syam: i have no idea where u are now... all i wanna say that, thank you for making the early years of my life a happy one... u leave a mark in my soul and will will always be remembered. even tho we choose different path in life and may never meet again. thank you, for the things that u once did.

you all can see that, there's not much guy names in here. that is because the guys in mylife only bring me down, make me feel low, was never there in yimes of needs. and for those name who i haven mention. plz tell me. cause i can't really think of all the names now.


| caught in rapture @ 12:04 AM|

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