Thursday, March 16, 2006

--[it's for the head of the house]--

this is for the person who make me cry when i am sad
the one that screams on a shreaded heart
the one that see only on the outside but not the in
and this is for him
my dad...

me and muh dad... muh dad and muah!
a shipwreck, quicksand, relationship base on superficiality
disagreements.

me and muh dad, we also fight over the smaller little2 things. me and my dad.
me and my dad, we were off on a rockey start this year and yesh, things got better but it did not last.

my dad and me. dad has this things for ruining my happy moments at the end of the day. he didnt not even make an effort to even strat a small chat. never, never, never and things will never change. not now, not later...

my dad has this habbit of screaming on the phone. and never says bye. my dad, he can't relley put the fault on me if i treat him the same, coz he is teh one that asked for it. my dad, we don't have a strong bond to begin with, it's like i'm someone elses adopted son.

my dad, he never taught me how to swin, how to play soccer, sports, my dad, he is superficial towards me. never really bother if, i'm in the mist of confusion, troubled, disturb, distress...

my dad, he use to tease me when i was little, on how weak i am, on how soft i am, on how lsick i am at playing soccer, at how stupid i am, at how wad ever means things...

my dad, he never give me my space, he don't really trust me, he want me to be like him, a boring person...
my dad he promise that i'll have a chance to decide my education path after my O's... but in teh end he decide.
the only reason that i ever wanna took my O is so that i'll be free to choose...
but being the dad he, having my dad, he decide... i had to fight for my rights!

yesh, i can finally choose but i know he wont be behind me all the way. he wants me, his "son" to be a boring buisness men and settle down fast.

my dad, made his dream into mine.

i have a dream. i wanna be a designer, a photograper, a person... which is insane for teh good reason, well known for his talent well known for being him and having his originality.
my dad he never see my way.

my dad trying to make me forget all my dreams, my life my soul...

dad maybe i wll be a buisness men maybe i'll be wad u want me to be, coz i'm sick of you for deciding everything for me...

my dad, he never really understand fashion and always brings me down when i have the best clothes on... my dad, he hurts me emotional and mentaly...

my dad, is lucky to have a son like me, i dunt smoke, have no piercing no tattoo, not in any culture, dosent cause him shame. instead i pray, i study, i smile, he nevr sees dad... he blames me of smoking, he blames me of mixing with teh wrong company even tho se knows all my freinds..

my dad, he's trying toi deprive my soul, take away my frind take away my life... it just seems that hedunt wanna me to be happy...

my dad, he never undertands wad i'm going through, instead of healing the wound, he make it worse!

my dad never want me to be happy.
all he want me to do is to just stay at home!
a few years back when i got no friends, dad keep on asking to to go out make freind have fun...
but when i do have friend he justaint happy.

my dad. my dad. my dad needs help. he needs to go to some session of teenagers.

luckily i have friends around me that help me trhough the day. makes my pain all go away. makes me smile, laugh, shead tears of joy. and for that i thank muh freinds...

dad... ... ... i wish i was adopted. so at least i know a reason for your actions. dad... if i nevr speak to you, i know u wont even notice... if i was to ever die i know i woulden be missed...if i was to run away you prolly wont even bother coz, i know all ur burden will be gone...
dad some times i wish u read my blog... so u know how i feel...

that, i need a therapist... i need to be counceled... coz i'm not myself... i;m you... i'm sick of pretending to say good bye... to leangthen my convo on teh phone in front of my friend when u actually hang up on teh first place..
i'm sick of pretending that my dad and me is really close.
cause dad i'm not a pretender... i'm not making a movie... i'm living in a world that ppl have feeling... dad i'll stop desigining, i'll stop making t shirts. i'll stop wathcing runways video, i'll stop buying fashion mags, i'll stop sewing, i'll stop wearing fashionable clothes, i'll be simple, i'll be a pretender... i'll be, i'll be you... just like wad u wanted me to...


| caught in rapture @ 12:36 AM|

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