Thursday, March 23, 2006

--[ wad could be worst ]--

the next part of the reality series, my dad and me, episod 05: the confession

haven been seeing dad eye to eye lately... tried to talk to him yesterday but he said firmly that he dosen't wanna talk to me...

was freaking fuck up... i tried, it dosen't work...

i came to realise the other day thet the only personthat could make me come crashing down to tears was my dad... my dad is the only one that could make me feel so horrid, so pathetic yet he is the one that sometimes raise my spirit high...

at skool, i was numb, emotionless until the end of skool... i couden't do my test cause the words that my dad said to me keep on repeating deep inside... i was pathetic, my soul was deprive... i was gasonading for the apology... cause i think i didnt really do nething wrong...

been having weird dreams, sleep half the time in school... i rather be alone...

1st dream: i move out from the house to live with my grandma... dad never called neither did i... and we never apologise on the 2st of syawal... and it goes on after that... a never ending story

2nd dream: i tried to salam muh dad before going to skool, and he took his hand away... and as i was walking off, i turn and said, why... and yeah me make up, but things were never the same...

those were the only dreams that i remember...

talk to mom and sis about dad... mom and sis said that all dad wanted me to do is to apologise... usualy i can say that... sorry is quite an easy word for me... not not today... this fights between up was different in every single aspects.

dad was just following his ego, and i, mending my pride...

then again... i put my place in dads shoe... thinking about my only son... the one that would carry on upon the generation... wad could hurt most that being hurt by his one and only son... wad could tears a dad hearts wide open? maybe wad dad says was right... but not entirely...

i just need my space, and if dad thinks that the more i'm ageing the more he can leave me on my own, he is so wrong... i need more attention then ever...

dad might be so ttly shock that day of our fight, it is almost to a week since we last talk, i feel empty and deprive... seeing a stranger living in the same house everday but not talking to him... it seem that i dunt have a dad at times...

the atmosphere in muh house aint really that great, it seems that everyone who is under the roof is affected...

but dd have to give in, cause i realy need muh space... i want things they way they are in my room as i spent 3/4 of my time at home in my room. the only place where i can just let my hair down...

maybe the sorry wont come today or maybe tomorrow... but picking up the courage to speak to him again is so hard... and living with the cash that i have in my hand is even harder... we havent really make eye contact, he never come by my room late at night to cheak on my, he never do that anymore... 3 more days and it's a saturday...

i can feel deeply that another outbreak might come up... suicide is not an option, running is way is not an option... i just not that kinda person...

and to the fucking irritating bitch, mind ya own freaking buisness... u sadistic biatch...

so wad could be worst? i have no idea... it seems that i hurt dad like dad hurt me, if only we could voice out without violence... maybe one day...

dad and me are nth alike... and thinking that i'm adpoted sometimes makes me much better cause i have a reason to be treated this way...


| caught in rapture @ 12:23 AM|

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