Saturday, December 23, 2006
--[it hurts]--
firstly, i want u guys to read the tag that Nurul text.
22 december
btw lizzie,
that was so predicatable of you...
asking me to actually go somewhat say...
but instead u just play with teh words i'm saying...
-end
i dono wad is going on with my life now...
i didnt choose the life i get,
but i choose to choose this life i'm having...
i'm embracing it with all my heart...
i dunt mind u all leaving..
neal
beautifull
ain
hadi
lizzie
just to name a few on my top 5 chart hits!
screw me blame me...
burn me alive...
i wont stop...
i wont quit...
i'm standing where i'm standing...
i'm staying...
i know i hurt loads of ppl becoz of fashion thing..
but it is my future we are talking here...
evryone of u shit knows that i'm no smart ass...
i flung, i fail, i stretch, i fall...
i screw it all...
i make, it break i tried...
it slide...
and my fashion fest was a huge portfolio for me...
it a sub for my o levels...
look at where we are now...
i rather not have friends...
just to get things done...
everyone keep on asking for a day...
a day for lizzie..
a day for neal...
a day for hmm james...
a day for naqiah...
a day for everyone...
is not a day..
it will cost me my reputation..
things change... but ppl stay the same...
they only think they chnage becoz they are doing this differently..
truth is they get more mature, they get resposibility...
and dosent me i get wad i want i'm happy..
coz this is not wad i want..
and if i were to quit becoz i wanted friends,
i'll be the most shittiest ppl around...
to get whre i wanna be,
i gtg sacrifies some stuff... friends for example...
i gtg preseverre...
i gtg soar not fly...
i gtg make wings for me to fly...
coz you only had one life to live...
and if u screw it all but not doing wad u wanna do,
u might as well just die...
i donno wad i'm toking about...
i guess that i'm just pissed i guess...
i'm wondering how much longer i have to go through this...
i guessi chould coz certain ppl will always be there...
shahirah
zai
syam
serena
james
just to name a few,...
| caught in rapture @ 4:01 AM|
__________
Wednesday, December 20, 2006
--[wad happen]--
ok that was one mess up blog entry...
so yeah...
went to some guys and sort of pour it all pout out...
thanks hafiz for bailing on me and just sign off!
anyways, went to talk to my lil cuz...
he was trying to follow but yeah...
he did manage
talk about my past a bit here and there..
the dark side of my story...
before i become this good,
kid hehe...
went to zai...
it was amazing weird,
coz i never went to zai if i have any problems...
but yeah i guess i was desperate..
he was sollowing
and he made one very good point...
"human, never ever feel sastified with wad they have"
cheers to you on that...
i want his life he wants mine..
if there was such thing as a swap machine...
i woulod gladly do it...
but i guess there isint one..
went all over and i realise that, i do have friends...
justthat they are all too good for me...
anyways had my 2nd smoke of the year last friday...
it was inhale heaven...
and yeah hmm total smoke between friday till sunday?
7...
ok so i'm getting addicted once more...
whose to blame?? me?? i guess
so yeah, so now my dunt drink dunt smoke profile..
is just
dunt drink and commercial smoking...
aint that just gorgeous...
and honestly i'm crazing for a smoke at this bloody moment...
gonna get a pack tomorrow i guess...
my face is getting worse...
lack of sleep and that sorta thing i guess...
syam or so called roy,
suggest that i should pump up my body,
hopefully that will make me feel much more better bout myself..
reson i give:
naah to lazy,
it is notlike i';m going to the beach, or pool..
and it is not like i'm gonna get laid anytime soon...
yesh ppl still a virgin here...
i somewhat realise my life is lacking in colour,
i'm gonan change my blog skin soon...
anyways, i'm truly madly deeply in love with someone...
but i wont do anything,
coz it will just get complicated...
so deary, just hold on, and yeah let go if u want too...
an update:
number of smoke- 7
number hungs- uncountable
number of kisses- 4
mustarbation- none [im a good boy]
getting dump- once
numbre of porn watch- once [a friends video, lol]
times gettig turn on- haha lol... ok getting lame...
and i realise that iget turn on as all the wrong time..
ok too much info...
noting much to say...
i'm a lil sane now...
i guess...
btw i kinda found my use to be best friends.
a total hottie now...
i wonder wad went wrong with me...
hmmz...
and i kinda envy someone's life...
-deconstruction of egoism...
www.youtube.com/haffys <--- linkl to my fashion show... cheers
merry fuckfest and fucking new sheets! <---- a quotation by neal.
| caught in rapture @ 5:19 AM|
__________
--[wish i didn't]--
i'm like searching friendster like 24/7 for my old mates...
and i just relise that how insecure i've bcome since i foudn them...
great so i found:
hassan-
seems pretty normal like hopw he use to be. much more good looking.
farihin:
same old guy nth much change:
nadia:
who is now amazingly hot.
shazlee and his lil bro:
so amazing shacok... like some kinda guy i actually tot i whould be one day...
and yeah amazing hot too...
hazim:
who is one bloddy handsome dude.
so basically, all of them are hotter, prettier, taller, sexier,
and wad so ever greater than me...
and somehoe i feel so insecure...
shouldi continue my search for
shikin?
sharil?
aljuffri?
saedah?
so should i just let go...
god know how i feel if they are not wad i expect them to me.
i'm just simply afraid...
afraid thatthey view me ouh,
hafiz, still the same old bloody kid
nothing change much about him, kinda thing...
other stories...
i'm kinda lonely nowadays...
i have loads of friends but none i could really count on...
and i guess, i put my self in this place i'm in.
maybe chasing my dreams now isn't the best thing.
looking through almost all of my fright profile in friendster ameks me sick.
i dunt have all those group photo they have.
i dunt have all those love-dovey pictures that they have.
i dunt feel the hurt and happiness that i think i should..
i always say it didnt bother me.
but it did...
maybe taking up fashion was a mistake.
i'm still having doubts in this...
who am i?
i need a break.
i dunt wanna be left alone.
i wanna be alone.
it is two different things..
maybe fashion fest was the best thing that happen in my life...
feeling so apprecited by everyone...
all those smiling face...
all thoso fucks from ppl...
just amkes me wanna work much harder..
someting to look fowards too..
after all that ends i feel so empty.
most ppl wanst to be me..
well be my guest.
u can have my life..
i wanna be an average guy..
your normal teenager..
who works in fast food,
den to some depart mental store...
not selling muusic cds atteh ade of 14
not seeling condom at the age of 15
not seeling accessories at the age of 16
and dresses and t-shirt at 17
sometime i feel that my talent is a curse to me...
i'm bloody down.
i dunt have much rest
and no one really cares
i dunt have time for my friends anymore..
i miss them dearly..
but they took my absent as a reason of me not wanting to be there...
i just need a bloody break...
i'm confuse,
i'm insecure,
i'm lost,
and all i want was to be love an appreciated...
i dunt want fame,
i dunt want fortune,
i dunt want to have a galmourous life...
i just wanna be average,
yopur average teenager next door,
nopt a suburb away.
not a blok away...
i just wanna drown myself...
cut my self till every blood is drain...
take my last breath and hold it in...
i dunt knwo wads to do anymore...
i'm breaking down...
breaking into amillion pieces...
shit! it is not all in the mind u bitch...
u just crack if u just control your every emotion and counter it...
it will just suck u dry
tyill u are deprive from evryting...
-fuck this life i'm having-
| caught in rapture @ 1:43 AM|
__________
